The Institute

Smashternoon

:)

— Spritecrawler
37 Minute Man
29 Flashback
26 Ethereal
25 Agent
22 Boom Boom
21 True
20 Tiny
12 Mercury
01 Dissonance

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Agent! You've got to come back with me!
Back to the Futchah!

“Okay, so we finish a job for the Vishanti in Japan and hopped back onto a plane to go home. That’s when things got funky! While we were on the plane I was pretty bored… You can only spend so many hours entertaining yourself by rewriting the memories of your fellow passengers… I mean… I didn’t do that. Why would I? Who would find it funny for a married couple to be convinced that they had accidentally bumped into each other at the airport on the way back from their sex tourism vacation? That would be super weird… Anyway, I was starting to miss Phin and his ability to teleport us places instead of having to ride in a tube of compressed gas blasting through the sky, when suddenly I wasn’t in the plane anymore. The Vishanti reached out and contacted Agent and I on the plane, and apparently Trevor back home. Turns out something came up at the last minute and they desparately needed our help to preserve the very fabric of the multiverse! Or something. They were super specific again. But they sent us to a field somewhere that turned out to be the prehistoric past. Not like, dinosaur prehistoric… but like bumpy-faced fugly human prehistoric. Anyway, there were some frightened children off over that way *points*, so we figured that was probably related to why we were here and went to go see what was up.

Turns out the kids were alright, their brains were just programmed to pump whatever they are most afraid of into their consciousness. Neat trick, but I unravelled it pretty easily. Seemed like a spammed into the crowd sort of effect, so it probably would have been harder to undo if it had been ‘lovingly’ crafted for an individual target. (Man, you are really good at translating tone and actions into text… I should do this with book store employees more often… See? You even put this in brackets because it is an aside comment! Way to go!) Anyway, the kids told us they have an aunt or something in the woods somewhere so we got directions to their hometown and told them to go there. I assume they got there okay. They were at least 20 years old between the four of them.

We got to their town and the mosaic of the moods and minds inside were some of the most chaotic stuff I have ever felt. We got over the sloped hill that they used to defend their town, and started walking through town towards the centre of town where the fear effect was eminating from. We had some issues with the peasants on the way there, but most of them were scared off by blinking a flashlight at them and making ghost sounds. Those that weren’t scared by the flashlight were scared off by a fist of brass hitting their kidneys.

We had Trevor take the long way around so that he could stab our way out of trouble if the situation called for it, but when we got to the centre of town we found a lovely lady who was quite polite and willing to speak reasonably with us. Turns out she was gearing up for a war against the ‘Firbolg’, and as one of the ‘Sidhe’ her ammo was human emotion – something she called ‘Glamour’. She was harvesting a bunch of this ‘Glamour’ through making everyone terrified, assault-y, and raped. We suggested that positive emotions might be a safer source of glamour for her, as they would make us feel less inclined to intervene. Turns out she had pretty effectively subjugated the town (with the exception of the priest in the church) and didn’t want that to change, so she agreed to change her tactics. Once we had successfully surrounded ourselves with an orgy we went to church, as is group policy. The priest welcomed us in because we got through whatever the heck he set up to keep out the ‘unclean’… You know what, he’s pretty dumb so he’d probably misspell that as ‘uncleen’. Anyway, since we weren’t of the ‘uncleen’ he was happy to talk to us. I looked in his brain, and it turns out that he though Apocalypse was God… So I suggested he pray with me.

After we dragged his body out into the town-square the Sidhe lady was happy to restrict herself to extracting positive emotion glamour. Especially since we gave her some tips on how to survive in the future, since all of her people had died off by our time. I also gave her my digits and address so she could look me up if she made it through the ages. She agreed to give us a bunch of intel on Apocalypse since we gave her all this info, so score! The Vishanti inadvertantly helped us this time! And apparently getting rid of the priest and helping the Sidhe was what they wanted us to do… I guess… Anyway, we also took on a side-quest from Trevor while we were back there. He pointed out that we were impossibly far back in time, and given an unprecidented chance to improve the genetic probabilities of mutant survival. As such, we used all of our individual gifts to impregnate the town. As this was a hugely significant historical event, we took appropriate steps to document it. Once we got back home we had some stone tablets waiting for us, and some fully paid airfare from our Sidhe friend! Anyway, I’d better let you finish ringing up my order or I’m going to miss my flight!"

- Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to Dr. Darius Rubens, Barnes & Noble employee of the month

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Snake! A snake, ooh it's a snake...
It's a badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger

“Okay, so I spent quite a bit of time wandering through Dickxavier’s head and learning everything he knew about Cerebro and the science of telepathy and its interface with technology. After that I scrubbed out everything he knew about his own powers and rewrote his backstory so that he’s just a rich cripple who got mixed up with some mutants. He should be pretty harmless, but we gave him to Black Team to hold on to. Logan said having a spare set of meat for Chuck to ride around in if things get hairy would be helpful. Real Chuck didn’t seem enamoured with the idea… But I don’t suppose he’ll be in any condition to stop it from happening if an emergency transplantation is needed, so that’s not a huge issue. With real Chuck back I scanned his brain to make sure there were not hidden commands or anything, and then checked to see if he was secretly a psychopath like Dickxavier was. He seems fine… But like, he could use some therapy fine. So not as stable as me, but more stable than Tiny.

With that all settled, we got a message from Dr. Pepper, the Soft-Drink Supreme that we have a new mission from the Vishanti. They’re extremely detailed message was “32deg27’25.2”N 139deg46’1.2"E"… Thanks Vishanti! Super specific! Also, we were told to get there sometime in the next 2 weeks. So we schlepped our way over to what ended up being a volcano fortress in Japan. And by air quote schlepped I mean we borrowed a sick yacht from some dude and Agent sailed it out there without somehow killing us all. Once we got there we wandered around until we got to the top of the volcano, where we started hallucinating a vision of a bunch of priest-y type dudes standing around the active volcano chanting a volcano lullaby… volcanaby… lava-by? Yeah, a lava-by. Anyway, their lava-by was trying to shut the volcano down to stop a giant snake from climbing out of it and… doing snake stuff… to the world. There was also other chanting from inside the volcano. Anyway, the volcano went back to sleep, and the vision ended. Ooo, one sec… My hot pockets are ready!

Three to five minute to cool? Bah…

Okay, so where were we… Snake stuff, right. Anyway, since snakes eat by swallowing stuff whole I’m not sure what the snake could do to the world… It’d look kinda funny with a giant planet-shaped bulge in the middle, but that would probably get all digest-y for the rest of us. So we decided that the Vishanti probably gave us these coordinates because we should stop the snake from giving itself a ridiculous food coma. When the vision faded, we saw a new path open up leading down into the dormant volcano. Being the brain geniuses we are, we figured we probably don’t need any protective gear to go down into the bowels of the Earth where the melted rocks live, so we just wandered on down there. After a considerable hike down we got to what looked like a shanty-town carved out of solid rock… It was really kinda crappy looking… Turns out there were snakey-looking rock men down there too, so I grabbed one’s brain and asked it “wtf?”. Turns out the village had been down there for thousands of years, but it still looked kinda shitty because they’re all related. So we’re gonna call the village Alabama. Turns out Alabama JESUS FUCK THAT’S HOT!!! Freakin’ hot pockets… Should be illegal… Oh my god… Hold on, I’m gonna go get some ice…

Ugh… Anyway, Alabama is run by a group of Elders. So maybe it is Utah? Utabama? Yeah, that’ll probably offend either way more or way fewer people, so lets go with that. The Elders of Utabama get ready for a ritual every… How long ago was WWII? 70ish years? Yeah. Every 70ish years or something they get together and feed a bunch of the townspeople to the big snake, then the big snake wakes up and… I don’t know… pokes the volcano or something so it wakes up to… Once the volcano is up, it starts getting all magma-y and then the snake will crawl up to the surface and do snake stuff to the world. So since the SUPER SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS of the Vishanti were to stop that from happening we headed off to one of the Elder’s air quote huts. I call them air quote huts, but caves with curtains is probably more accurate. Wait, have you been writing out air quote whenever I did this air quote this whole time? Why would you do that? When I do this air quote you’re supposed to put whatever I say in quotation marks for as long as I am still doing this air quote. Are you still doing it?!? Oh my god… why is it so hard to find someone who can write properly… I thought this was a school… Anyway, so we got into the cave, cleverly bypassing the security curtain, and Agent subdued the snakey-rock people within by pointing a gun at them and saying “Up against the wall, yous guys! Schpread em!”… How do you get quotation marks in the right place for when people are talking, but don’t get air quote this right? It’s basically the same thing as the asterisks around winking thing… While they were being held at bay by Agent I got into the Elder’s mind, and started poking around for more info. Turns out the snake was a mutant way back in the day, and Apocalypse got worried at how strong it was, so he decided to kill it. During the fight it faked its death somehow, and hid down in the volcano to wait until he died so it could rise to the surface and take over the world. With this knowledge we decided to set up a parlay with the snake. We left Bliss and Boom Boom at the Elder’s Cave so that if things went pear-shaped I could tell Bliss to have Boom Boom boom boom the cave down on the village, and hopefully kill the snake. We went down to the snake pool, and I had a telepathic conversation with the snake, telling it that since Apocalypse was going to rise in the near future, it should probably wait until after we had thrown ourselves futily at his forces so that when it rose it would be facing a weakened enemy instead of full strength Apocalypse. Snakes not being the smartest of creatures, the dumbass thought that was a good plan so we agreed that it would send one of its food-servants with us to monitor the overland and tell the snake when Apocalypse rose. Naturally that servant had to eat all the other food-servants so that he would live long enough to be able to come back… because that’s a thing. The arrangement sounded good to us, as we can just have the guy sit in a corner for a couple years programmed to poop in the corner whenever someone taps the back of his hand and make him believe he is hanging out with us, and then tell him that we killed Apocalypse or send him back home with a nuke or something. Thus we declared the Vishanti’s will completed and went back home!"

Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to Phineas Porter

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oh man... It's been so long...

“Oh man… Crazy couple weeks… So, we got our national PR campaign out there and started travelling around to recruit new students. First we went to… some suburb somewhere… I don’t know, they all look the same with their ticky-tacky houses all lined up in a row and whatnot… We went there because some girl turned green. The press was having a field day, asking all sorts of sensitive questions, like “What does it feel like to be a freak?” and “Do you blame yourselves for ruining your child’s life with your genetics?” from the totally respectable distance of the front yard of the family. So we sent Pixie and What’s-Trevor’s-codename…tartar sauce?… Tartarus! out to the front yard to do a press conference to distract the press while we snuck in the back. As soon as we got in, we convinced the parents that their daughter was better served coming with us through a clever combination of brochures and insane rambling about black helicopters coming for them in the night, and they let us take their daughter to our school. Turns out she also has super-strength, so she gets to have special time with Tiny to sort that out. In case this ever ends up in a court proceeding where she’s pointing to a doll, no that doesn’t mean what you think it means you sickos! He’s teaching her, Rockslide, and Collosus… Maybe some others, I don’t know… how to not break the world around them. Or maybe it is just an excuse to get paid to play ping pong… that is a pretty good racket, if that is what he’s doing… And you’re supposed to play ping pong with a paddle, so that might be cheating.

Next we went to Hawaii, I think, to see about a girl who had turned into water. So we get there, and the parents aren’t home. We end up bumming around Hawaii until the evening, when we discover that the parents aren’t even sure if their daughter is still alive but have kept the bathtub of water she turned into full just in case! Good thing too, because she still had a mind. It was hard to contact because it was kinda spread through the whole tub, but that is why we send the good telepaths out on missions like this ;). Did you just write out my wink? Baller. Anyway, we got ourselves a tank that would survive travel and shipped her off to the school. She’s been getting pushed around in a fish-tank to attend classes, and has learned how to communicate in a rudimentary fashion through rhythmic burbling. Unfortunately, her state led Johnny to test a theory he has about whether fire hurts water or not, and he tried to boil her. And this is after we got him in trouble for making fun of Anole for looking reptilian! So we are punishing him by making him take some anger management classes and therapy, as well as giving him a choice between extended work detail or normal work detail and also having telepathic restrictions on his power usage.

Then we had to schlep out to the desert and look at a fundamentalist cult that was “exorcising demons”. So we get there, find the compound, and it turns out that it didn’t used to be a fundamentalist cult. It started being one when a powerful reality controlling mutant “got a message from God” telling him to do some dumb shit about a garden and darkness and stuff. So his idea of a garden was a truck-stop mechanics shop… Anyway, he was pretty resistant to telepathy most of the time, but he was super open when he was praying for guidance so I dropped some new directives from “God” in there. Now instead of killing the mutants they call demons they are going to cast them out of the “garden” to wander in the desert, and one of the supporters there is programmed to give us a call whenever they do that so we can go pick the mutant up.

Anyway, after we collected all the mutants life got back to a bit of normalcy. So we did what schools do, and we had the Enchantment Under The Sea dance with the kids from the private school. It went mostly without a hitch, except for the waves of embarrassment and arousal that went through the crowd until we locked down Wallflower’s emotions. That made for a busy night of telepathic “No Touching!” commands.

Then, after a long period of calm, trouble came knocking on our door. It came in no other form than that of the bald and wheel-chaired body of Charles Dickxavier himself. Turns out that Dickxavier is a war criminal being hunted by basically everyone in his dimension (that we had jumped to at the Vishanti’s request) and had noticed us over there. He tracked us back to Dr. Heelboots-lookatmeiamsocool’s apartment and promptly demonstrated the superiority of telepaths over poncy weirdos in capes. Using his new pet wizard, he travelled to our dimension, abducted our Chuck, and sent him back to be imprisoned by the Soft-taco Supreme of that dimension. With Chuck safely out of the way, he figured that he was the most powerful telepath around, and thus untouchable. He figured wrong. He rolled his way up to our campus, and while he was in the driveway he sent out a powerful command to convince us that he was our Chuck, and that our Chuck was always bald and in a wheelchair. Fortunately I was able to fight off the effects, and enacted a plan. I liberated Tiny from his control, and explained that I would be temporarily putting an identical effect up as part of a ruse. Once I did so, I allowed Dickxavier to come in and upgrade our Cerebro using his dimensions technology. After the upgrade was complete, but before he could put his ID scanner locking me out, we sprung our trap! Once free from telepathic restraints, Tiny incapacitated Dickxavier promptly while Agent held off the entire student body and I kept Doomy B busy. With Dickxavier in hand, and no students suffering any major injuries the plan was a complete success! I went into Dickxavier’s mind and carved out any memory or knowledge he had of being a telepath, and locked his powers away so that we could imprison him safely. Over the next day or two I plan to learn everything that he knows about Cerebro, while Black Team performs a surgical operation to insert a heeled boot into a caped ass and rescue our Chuck."

Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to Tabitha Smith

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Meetings, and meetings, and meetings...
and meetings, and... Oh, hey Phin!

“Phin’s back! And all of a sudden Bridget is gone… Hmm… Maybe my metaphysical law theory has some juice to it… I’ll have to start keeping track of whether they are ever in the same room, and if so whether someone else is missing…

Not a ton happened this week. We had some meetings about what to do now that the mutant cat is out of the bag. Not sure why we were keeping a mutant cat in a bag, what with out huge emphasis on mutant rights and all. Heh… Dad joke… Anyway, we decided that we would announce ourselves to the world! How exactly to do that was a bit up in the air. We talked it over and decided that the current school would go public as a school for mutants. Henceforth it shall be known as “The Public School” despite still being a private school. A second school would be set up in secret in Los Angeles, in a some big towers or something. Henceforth it shall be known as “The Private School”. We would also “definitely not” be setting up an organized mutant militia group wink wink no don’t write wink wink write it like I was winking, you know with the asterisks around the word wink or something… Wow, Agent was so much better at this than you…

For the organization of the Public School, the graduates of Team 1 would be hired on as teachers, and Dr. McCoy would be the Headmaster. Chuckles is still the Headmaster Emeritus and will be taking on more of a networking and public interaction role than an administrative role. All of the students that are comfortable with being openly mutant-y to the world will be attending the Public School, along with some new students! Punchy the Alien Powerhouse is going to the Private School, though.

For the organization of the Private School, who cares. I’m not there.

For the organization of the militia, since I am not involved with it and have no idea it exists wink wink… goddamnit Phin… *wink wink* I have no way of knowing that Logan is going to be helping set that up.

Finally, Chuck went out and hired us a professional PR team at my request. We’re pretty great at everything, but a national PR campaign that we put together in a month isn’t something I want to figure out as we go. So far it looks like I’m going to be prominently featured as the teacher who stayed on to look after his younger siblings at the school, and that we are going to all be doing interviews. We’re going to be using lines like “I don’t like to think of my powers as defining me” to deflect from uncomfortable and scare-mongering questions about how dangerous we are. I think that’s more or less it… Hopefully this isn’t the start of a very long summer where I have to road-trip across the world and erase our PR campaign from people’s memories."

Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to Phineas Porter

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Hey! Things actually pretty much worked out this time! Woohoo!
I really hope I didn't speak too soon...

“This week started out normally enough. We were all sitting around eating sandwiches, talking about how evil Bridget would be if it wasn’t for us and wondering what happened to Phineas… My theory is that there is a metaphysical law about the number of mutants that can be in a room at the same time, and since Bridget is here Phineas can’t be… But anyway we were eating and chatting, when all of a sudden on the news a story came on about a mutant named Solaris who was calling himself Vector. Naturally we sprung into action and went out to the oil platform he had taken over to let him know that he had the wrong name for himself! Having let him know that his name is actually Solaris, he came back to the school with us. Turns out that his power is to rearrange molecules and whatnot! He somehow managed to rearrange his brain to make it not a brain, but still work like a brain… So no telepathy on him… Anyway, turns out he is like 14, so he won’t be coming out on missions with us or anything (since we’re X-men now) but just in case we were ever going to be seen in public with him I took him out to buy him a more respectable wardrobe, and Bridget tagged along so we bought her suitable clothes too.

While we were at the mall we saw some graffiti on the wall advertising a mutant rights rally! So we went to go supervise and make sure that nobody was going to start any trouble we’d have to deal with later. Turns out some guy named Guido who is really strong wanted to come out to the world. He was tired of feeling alone and scared, so he wanted to let other mutants know they aren’t alone! With that rallying cry, Bridget decided to step up on stage and be loud and proud alongside him! Joining them on stage were Captain Jizzopolis (with the incredible ability to emit viscous fluids from his body) and Immortal-suicide-bomber-dude (some guy who has a demon that jumps out of his chest whenever he dies, and then he eventually gets better and the demon presumably crawls back into his chest or something? Doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense… Is the demon also part of his mutant powers? Is it an infestation? We should probably see if we can fix that if it is…) and they all went back to Guido’s place to hang out and party. I stayed back and sent a telepathic message to the only other mutant who showed up asking to meet for coffee. She was in town for some chinese opera, which didn’t make that much sense since I thought she could probably find chinese opera in China (where she was from) but whatever. So we swapped contact info and let her know to call us if she needed help, and so that we could look her up if we were ever in China. Bliss came along to watch my back because she’s an ‘evil villain’ who ’doesn’t understand teamwork or caring’… (sarcasm!)"

Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to Jacob Smith

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Oh man... Seriously, again? I mean, I gotta be getting something out of it at this point, so...
By reading this you wave your right to private thoughts. Neener neener pooper, y'all shoulda seen this coming. Also, by not reading this y'all are being negligent. Just... Negligent... Which proves you don't deserve independent thought. CATCH 22 MOF

Okay, So Sco….Havok drove us… flew us?… to Los Angeles. Tiny was all like “We can’t land near the town because it’s full of people and stuff” but his voice was even more high pitched and whiney than you are picturing it right now. I know. Hard to believe, but I know a dude whose eyes are portals to a dimension made of red concussive force… So there you have it. Anyway, Tiny said “Oh yeah, well I challenges ya to a race! My foots against your brains!” So I head off to the highway to flag down a ‘concerned citizen’ to take me into town. Once their, I find some people who won’t be significantly inconvenienced by the loss of their Hummer H2’s for an afternoon, and return to the group with transportation. Once I got back, Tiny was naturally indignant to my informing him that this is proof that cars are faster than walking. As usual, he was wrong, though.

Anyway, we drove around, because we had to make that “not evil spell” pattern with the box of “not orphans”, and wouldn’t you know it but someone was doing something evil to mutants on one of the points of our “not evil pentastargramigil”. Total coincidence, and in no way related to the flow of sacrificial innocence towards He Who Shall Take Delivery. So anyway, we say “Huh… Intelligence under a big mountain is usually a bad thing. That is where volcanos live.” and we poke around. Turns out there is a big ole’ paramilitary installation that has “no relation” to what we are there for. Despite the lack of direct incentive for us to do anything, we heroically determined that they were impinging on sentient rights… I think that is the term… Remind me to google this later so we look good and not like we just kinda were curious and happened to be right… And investigated! After a “heartfelt and impassioned speech” to the outer base guards, they saw the error of their ways and decided that they needed to help us liberate the aggrieved mutants within. This went pretty well until one of the guards we hadn’t spoken to abruptly screamed “I HATE LIBERTY WUBAWUBAWUBA HITLER IS MY DADDY LUBBALUBBALUBBA I AM WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING SCHROWSCHROWSCHROW!” and the facility went into lockdown. Because Nazis. Since the facility was in lockdown the team got split into two halves (as measured by effectiveness): I was upstairs, where I was left to rationalize with and diffuze an active security alert response by a trained paramilitary force, and the rest of the team worked together and tried really hard to take down one scientist without hurting her too much. Thankfully my team held back until I could neutralize the two dozen paramilitary operatives who were poised to storm the base, or I don’t know what the cost of our intervention would have been in human terms… But as it was I orchestrated the situation so that there were no casualties, and all the captured mutants were free. I just want to take this opportunity to say that not all liberated hostages are grateful… Some of them are petty, violent thugs who don’t know how to repay people who were instrumental in their freedom… ummm… because Bliss was totally instrumental. Couldn’t have done it without her. How? Umm… Remember that part… where… I… umm… got rid of those paramilitary dudes? She totally helped with that! So… Anyone mad at her about being imprisoned needs to understand that she helped save them! Yeah! That is totally not aimed at that one chick/dude we saved, but is an objective fact of truth!

Anyway, we rescued some chick/dude from that facility. She/he seems to collapse different people from different realities into one essence and “eats” them. Not to worry, though, because they are pretty sure all the people they have eaten are actually supervillain versions of themselves from other dimensions! Because that makes it all cool… Somehow… I guess… I’m genuinely conflicted here… If some dude made his way to the school naked and hungry and was like “MY LAST MEAL WAS HITLER!!!!” would I turn him away? How did these kinds of moral questions become my normal life? HOW IS NOBODY ELSE CONSIDERING THESE THINGS?!? Am I just subconsciously networking all of the brains in a several mile radius in order to create a facsimile of intelligence and sentience, and humans are all mere machines? I didn’t want to think so at first, but the evidence seems to be stacking up… And if I am one of the only programmers, is it really ethical for me to watch programs with obvious flaws go haywire? I know Tiny’s answer… “shrug”. And that is more comforting than Agent’s answer of “I am not an agent of fate! I don’t know what is supposed to happen! Stop telling people that!” So I guess it is up to me and Tiny to shape fate… Yet again… The only difference is that we are actually semi-licensed to do so (assuming the Vishanti have some form of authority over fate).

Anyway, we dropped the box of with some giant (and I cannot stress the size by which I mean GIANT enough) asshole who can’t get enough of himself (yeah, I know the irony of me judging this guy as such is huge… considering I hang out with Tiny) and went back home. Once we got home we went to check out if there was an evil lab where we saw an evil lab in the other universe. Turns out, once an evil lab… frequently an evil lab… but not quite always. But in this case, yes. An evil lab. So we were all poised to storm the place and liberate the mutants within, but it turns out we were there just in time to observe the contract negotiations of a psychopath with an amoral institution. Turns out the psychopath has the upper hand, and he let all the mutants go. We paid him $200 for the doctor in charge of the facility so that he could buy a puppy named Al… or something… I don’t care. Anyway, turns out one of our mutants started life as a dog, and several of our other mutants didn’t understand that just because they had only been sentient for a year or so didn’t mean they hadn’t had time to read all of the classics that I would be searching their minds for references to if they made them! I mean, come on! Talk to them on slightly more than puppy level!"

Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to “Frank Silvertongue of 4137 Punta Alta Dr. Los Angeles California, Earth Somthing Something Something.”

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Uggggggggggggghhhhhhhhain we have to solve everything...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

“Okay… so we were in the soon to be aptly named Club Zero in Kansas, and Punchy was leaning on the bar lookin’ swag and fly at the same time. Didn’t have a care in the world, which didn’t really seem all that odd to me because he doesn’t really seem to have enough going on upstairs to have any cares, y’know? Anyway, Tiny goes up to him and is all “Dude, you crushed some dudes” and he’s all “Right? Wasn’t that sick?” And Tiny’s all “Dude… It was bad sick, not good sick” and Punchy’s all like “Whatev’s. Have a drink, bro!” so Tiny’s just like “Don’t call be bro, bro.” And Punchy’s like “Whatever bro!” and then punched Tiny. Or Tiny punched Punchy… I don’t know… I should really start writing in my diary like, right after things happen instead of waiting 2 weeks. I mean what am I really waiting for, some sort of perspective? Anyway, whoever decided to hit first isn’t really a big deal. Tiny uses his fist to club Punchy, Punchy uses his fist to club Tiny. On both sides: Effect of club? Zero. See what I did there? Oh wait, you’re all glossy eyed and writing… NO! Don’t write that! That was for you, not the book! Uggh… Anyway, Havok looked at Punchy in that special way that knocks boys off their feet, and Punchy got all hot and bothered. Meanwhile, Bliss started pumping out some sweet beats at the DJ station, and I sent a karate soldier out to the car to get our shiny Punchy-Fall-Down rocks. He got back and I started winging them at him with super pithy lines. Everyone thought it was super funny. Once he got beaned in the face with a couple of them Tiny and Havok beat Punchy down pretty good. We looked around at the place and said “Hmm… How can we best cover our tracks here?” So we looked at Boom-Boom, and she said “Boom?” So after we finished that we jetted back to the school and got Punchy all dried out so he was less punchy. Turns out red rocks turn him into a dick for the night, so I named them Dicktonite. Green rocks make him all sick, so they are called Cryptonight (cause you die from sickness and get put into a crypt, get it?). Anyway, fire put out. Hooray!

Then the Vishanti called… Turns out we need to give a thing to a guy, but not here, just in another dimension. Oh, and the thing is a big box full of “not orphans”. Plus you need to drag the “not orphans” in ritualistic-looking “totally not evil spell” patterns on your way there. I can’t believe we trusted Dr. Heelboots when he told us we were signing up to work for the good guys… Anyway, the bright side of this is that he gave us phat stacks of cash so that we could… I guess rent trucks and stuff or something. So once we were in the other dimension we went and asked ourselves if we could borrow our jet. We flew the jet to some woods somewhere in podunk nowhere and got out to start dragging the box of “not orphans” in the “totally normal and not evil spell” pattern. Turns out each time we got to a corner we got attacked by ninjas, so we can all check “fighting ninjas” off our bucket list. Anyway, after we realized that we were going to be fighting exponentially increasing numbers of ninjas I had a great plan: Psych telekinesised the ninjas up, and I went one by one and reprogrammed them to work for me now! So now I have ninjas! Sweet! Anyway, due to the exponential nature of exponential growth, even this totally sweet plan didn’t work for that long, and we were trying to map out exactly where Havok needed to knock down a bunch of trees so we could land the jet and burn the ninjas with the engines when we realized that we have a jet, and didn’t need to be hiking… So we flew the “not orphans” the rest of the way through the “not evil spell” pattern and then off to the place we needed to give the box to… I want to say Los Angeles? Maybe? I don’t know, Havok was driving…"

Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to “Ugh… You are so much worse at this than the last guy… I should have kept him.”

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Uggggggggggggghhhhhhhh
so hard....

“So we got back from Kansas and everthing was pretty great. I mean… I was there. ;) So Chuck said Germany had a hole in it’s soul… Okay, it was just Kurt… And It might have just been me who was thoughtful enough to say “Hey guys, didn’t we deal with someone else getting hollowed out by a demon?”. So thanks to me Chuck said “Yo Bois, get to tha Rheinland and bring me that Blau!” For real, direct (paraphrased) quote. So we did. Kurt loves us, because we have been totally up front with him about what has happened with his demon possession and how he could help with saving an innocent girl’s soul, so he’s basically the best person we know because anyone remotely bad would have assumed we made all this up to trap him, but he just kinda went with it. He’s great. I wouldn’t have believed us. I know Tiny wouldn’t have believed us. He would have found a way that all of our problems were Bliss’ fault. BUT THEY AREN’T!!!!! Only some of them are… So anyway, we’re in NYC (What the cool kids call NYC), and we hear about a cluster of “death by pulverization”s in Kansas, so I says to Mable, I says “We gotta get that boy educated now”. So Chuck says “Yarp, d’aHarp Harp” and off we go! Turns out Punchy Mc’FarmySmash has been working as a meat tenderizer at the local club, called… Zero? What the fuck kind of name is that? Whatever, Club Zero. Because marketing means NOTHING in Kansas."

Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to “I don’t know, whoever was around… Why not that guy…”

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FUTURE Future future (future)
We're on a boat!

Jacob and Adam met with Sara Tonini to look into her mental conditioning. Upon doing some investigation, they discovered that all of Sara’s mind is in there somewhere and it was a moulding of her soul that made her not look at her core personality and programmed her. Adam is confident that with Xavier acting as assistant, he can repair the damage. Adam approached Xavier about ‘all the things we aren’t being told’ and Xavier agreed to start hosting a weekly seminar. Xavier teased that aliens might or might not exist. That’s when Adam decided to telepathically check. Turns out they are real.

The first seminar talked about the afterlife. Turns out it’s not so much a rule as a guideline. There may be some kind of objective morality but subjectivity factors in. Team one was then granted use of the yacht for the weekend. They had a good time. Tiny drank a lot, Scott and Jean did not. Jacob opted to play babysitter, staying mostly sober and supervising the activity with his luck powers.

On the way back to the mansion, all the vehicles on the road stopped. The team was addressed by a fellow calling himself Mr. Echo. He then instructed the team to tell Nathan that they were even. Unless Nathan seemed confused by that, in which case, Nathan owed Mr. Echo one. Then, the team appeared in the year 2249.

2049 immediately terrified the team. Self driving cars all over the place and prompt police response to minor infractions caused the team to conclude they were in an authoritarian state. Questioning an employee of a local wildlife preserve revealed the existence of a caste system, a Trump family member in the Presidency, and widespread acceptance in the public of Mutancy.

Telepathic contact was made with Jean Grey 2249 by Jean Grey 2017. Upon contact being established, Jean 2017 turned into a fiery bird and flew off. A little while after, Jean 2249 showed up to talk to the team. She brought them to an island. She revealed that she had ‘absorbed’ Jean 2017 and would ‘disgorge’ Jean 2017 again when it was time for the team to go home, as there could only be one Jean. The Phoenix inside of her was a Brute Fact of the Universe and therefore could only have one existence at a time. In her opinion, Nathan probably referred to Nathaniel Essex (Mr. Sinister) or Nathan (son of Jean 2249 and Scott 2249, which Scott 2017 was not to know about by request of Jean 2249). Jacob used his MUTANT POWERS!!!! to deduce that we were here for Nathan, Son of Scott. His powers also confirmed that we were meant to do our thing in Australia. As such, the team prepared to go to Australia 2249. Jean confessed that it was a Mutant country, but refused to discuss more about it.

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