“Okay… so we were in the soon to be aptly named Club Zero in Kansas, and Punchy was leaning on the bar lookin’ swag and fly at the same time. Didn’t have a care in the world, which didn’t really seem all that odd to me because he doesn’t really seem to have enough going on upstairs to have any cares, y’know? Anyway, Tiny goes up to him and is all “Dude, you crushed some dudes” and he’s all “Right? Wasn’t that sick?” And Tiny’s all “Dude… It was bad sick, not good sick” and Punchy’s all like “Whatev’s. Have a drink, bro!” so Tiny’s just like “Don’t call be bro, bro.” And Punchy’s like “Whatever bro!” and then punched Tiny. Or Tiny punched Punchy… I don’t know… I should really start writing in my diary like, right after things happen instead of waiting 2 weeks. I mean what am I really waiting for, some sort of perspective? Anyway, whoever decided to hit first isn’t really a big deal. Tiny uses his fist to club Punchy, Punchy uses his fist to club Tiny. On both sides: Effect of club? Zero. See what I did there? Oh wait, you’re all glossy eyed and writing… NO! Don’t write that! That was for you, not the book! Uggh… Anyway, Havok looked at Punchy in that special way that knocks boys off their feet, and Punchy got all hot and bothered. Meanwhile, Bliss started pumping out some sweet beats at the DJ station, and I sent a karate soldier out to the car to get our shiny Punchy-Fall-Down rocks. He got back and I started winging them at him with super pithy lines. Everyone thought it was super funny. Once he got beaned in the face with a couple of them Tiny and Havok beat Punchy down pretty good. We looked around at the place and said “Hmm… How can we best cover our tracks here?” So we looked at Boom-Boom, and she said “Boom?” So after we finished that we jetted back to the school and got Punchy all dried out so he was less punchy. Turns out red rocks turn him into a dick for the night, so I named them Dicktonite. Green rocks make him all sick, so they are called Cryptonight (cause you die from sickness and get put into a crypt, get it?). Anyway, fire put out. Hooray!
Then the Vishanti called… Turns out we need to give a thing to a guy, but not here, just in another dimension. Oh, and the thing is a big box full of “not orphans”. Plus you need to drag the “not orphans” in ritualistic-looking “totally not evil spell” patterns on your way there. I can’t believe we trusted Dr. Heelboots when he told us we were signing up to work for the good guys… Anyway, the bright side of this is that he gave us phat stacks of cash so that we could… I guess rent trucks and stuff or something. So once we were in the other dimension we went and asked ourselves if we could borrow our jet. We flew the jet to some woods somewhere in podunk nowhere and got out to start dragging the box of “not orphans” in the “totally normal and not evil spell” pattern. Turns out each time we got to a corner we got attacked by ninjas, so we can all check “fighting ninjas” off our bucket list. Anyway, after we realized that we were going to be fighting exponentially increasing numbers of ninjas I had a great plan: Psych telekinesised the ninjas up, and I went one by one and reprogrammed them to work for me now! So now I have ninjas! Sweet! Anyway, due to the exponential nature of exponential growth, even this totally sweet plan didn’t work for that long, and we were trying to map out exactly where Havok needed to knock down a bunch of trees so we could land the jet and burn the ninjas with the engines when we realized that we have a jet, and didn’t need to be hiking… So we flew the “not orphans” the rest of the way through the “not evil spell” pattern and then off to the place we needed to give the box to… I want to say Los Angeles? Maybe? I don’t know, Havok was driving…"
Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to “Ugh… You are so much worse at this than the last guy… I should have kept him.”