“Oh man… Crazy couple weeks… So, we got our national PR campaign out there and started travelling around to recruit new students. First we went to… some suburb somewhere… I don’t know, they all look the same with their ticky-tacky houses all lined up in a row and whatnot… We went there because some girl turned green. The press was having a field day, asking all sorts of sensitive questions, like “What does it feel like to be a freak?” and “Do you blame yourselves for ruining your child’s life with your genetics?” from the totally respectable distance of the front yard of the family. So we sent Pixie and What’s-Trevor’s-codename…tartar sauce?… Tartarus! out to the front yard to do a press conference to distract the press while we snuck in the back. As soon as we got in, we convinced the parents that their daughter was better served coming with us through a clever combination of brochures and insane rambling about black helicopters coming for them in the night, and they let us take their daughter to our school. Turns out she also has super-strength, so she gets to have special time with Tiny to sort that out. In case this ever ends up in a court proceeding where she’s pointing to a doll, no that doesn’t mean what you think it means you sickos! He’s teaching her, Rockslide, and Collosus… Maybe some others, I don’t know… how to not break the world around them. Or maybe it is just an excuse to get paid to play ping pong… that is a pretty good racket, if that is what he’s doing… And you’re supposed to play ping pong with a paddle, so that might be cheating.
Next we went to Hawaii, I think, to see about a girl who had turned into water. So we get there, and the parents aren’t home. We end up bumming around Hawaii until the evening, when we discover that the parents aren’t even sure if their daughter is still alive but have kept the bathtub of water she turned into full just in case! Good thing too, because she still had a mind. It was hard to contact because it was kinda spread through the whole tub, but that is why we send the good telepaths out on missions like this ;). Did you just write out my wink? Baller. Anyway, we got ourselves a tank that would survive travel and shipped her off to the school. She’s been getting pushed around in a fish-tank to attend classes, and has learned how to communicate in a rudimentary fashion through rhythmic burbling. Unfortunately, her state led Johnny to test a theory he has about whether fire hurts water or not, and he tried to boil her. And this is after we got him in trouble for making fun of Anole for looking reptilian! So we are punishing him by making him take some anger management classes and therapy, as well as giving him a choice between extended work detail or normal work detail and also having telepathic restrictions on his power usage.
Then we had to schlep out to the desert and look at a fundamentalist cult that was “exorcising demons”. So we get there, find the compound, and it turns out that it didn’t used to be a fundamentalist cult. It started being one when a powerful reality controlling mutant “got a message from God” telling him to do some dumb shit about a garden and darkness and stuff. So his idea of a garden was a truck-stop mechanics shop… Anyway, he was pretty resistant to telepathy most of the time, but he was super open when he was praying for guidance so I dropped some new directives from “God” in there. Now instead of killing the mutants they call demons they are going to cast them out of the “garden” to wander in the desert, and one of the supporters there is programmed to give us a call whenever they do that so we can go pick the mutant up.
Anyway, after we collected all the mutants life got back to a bit of normalcy. So we did what schools do, and we had the Enchantment Under The Sea dance with the kids from the private school. It went mostly without a hitch, except for the waves of embarrassment and arousal that went through the crowd until we locked down Wallflower’s emotions. That made for a busy night of telepathic “No Touching!” commands.
Then, after a long period of calm, trouble came knocking on our door. It came in no other form than that of the bald and wheel-chaired body of Charles Dickxavier himself. Turns out that Dickxavier is a war criminal being hunted by basically everyone in his dimension (that we had jumped to at the Vishanti’s request) and had noticed us over there. He tracked us back to Dr. Heelboots-lookatmeiamsocool’s apartment and promptly demonstrated the superiority of telepaths over poncy weirdos in capes. Using his new pet wizard, he travelled to our dimension, abducted our Chuck, and sent him back to be imprisoned by the Soft-taco Supreme of that dimension. With Chuck safely out of the way, he figured that he was the most powerful telepath around, and thus untouchable. He figured wrong. He rolled his way up to our campus, and while he was in the driveway he sent out a powerful command to convince us that he was our Chuck, and that our Chuck was always bald and in a wheelchair. Fortunately I was able to fight off the effects, and enacted a plan. I liberated Tiny from his control, and explained that I would be temporarily putting an identical effect up as part of a ruse. Once I did so, I allowed Dickxavier to come in and upgrade our Cerebro using his dimensions technology. After the upgrade was complete, but before he could put his ID scanner locking me out, we sprung our trap! Once free from telepathic restraints, Tiny incapacitated Dickxavier promptly while Agent held off the entire student body and I kept Doomy B busy. With Dickxavier in hand, and no students suffering any major injuries the plan was a complete success! I went into Dickxavier’s mind and carved out any memory or knowledge he had of being a telepath, and locked his powers away so that we could imprison him safely. Over the next day or two I plan to learn everything that he knows about Cerebro, while Black Team performs a surgical operation to insert a heeled boot into a caped ass and rescue our Chuck."
Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to Tabitha Smith