“Okay, so we finish a job for the Vishanti in Japan and hopped back onto a plane to go home. That’s when things got funky! While we were on the plane I was pretty bored… You can only spend so many hours entertaining yourself by rewriting the memories of your fellow passengers… I mean… I didn’t do that. Why would I? Who would find it funny for a married couple to be convinced that they had accidentally bumped into each other at the airport on the way back from their sex tourism vacation? That would be super weird… Anyway, I was starting to miss Phin and his ability to teleport us places instead of having to ride in a tube of compressed gas blasting through the sky, when suddenly I wasn’t in the plane anymore. The Vishanti reached out and contacted Agent and I on the plane, and apparently Trevor back home. Turns out something came up at the last minute and they desparately needed our help to preserve the very fabric of the multiverse! Or something. They were super specific again. But they sent us to a field somewhere that turned out to be the prehistoric past. Not like, dinosaur prehistoric… but like bumpy-faced fugly human prehistoric. Anyway, there were some frightened children off over that way *points*, so we figured that was probably related to why we were here and went to go see what was up.
Turns out the kids were alright, their brains were just programmed to pump whatever they are most afraid of into their consciousness. Neat trick, but I unravelled it pretty easily. Seemed like a spammed into the crowd sort of effect, so it probably would have been harder to undo if it had been ‘lovingly’ crafted for an individual target. (Man, you are really good at translating tone and actions into text… I should do this with book store employees more often… See? You even put this in brackets because it is an aside comment! Way to go!) Anyway, the kids told us they have an aunt or something in the woods somewhere so we got directions to their hometown and told them to go there. I assume they got there okay. They were at least 20 years old between the four of them.
We got to their town and the mosaic of the moods and minds inside were some of the most chaotic stuff I have ever felt. We got over the sloped hill that they used to defend their town, and started walking through town towards the centre of town where the fear effect was eminating from. We had some issues with the peasants on the way there, but most of them were scared off by blinking a flashlight at them and making ghost sounds. Those that weren’t scared by the flashlight were scared off by a fist of brass hitting their kidneys.
We had Trevor take the long way around so that he could stab our way out of trouble if the situation called for it, but when we got to the centre of town we found a lovely lady who was quite polite and willing to speak reasonably with us. Turns out she was gearing up for a war against the ‘Firbolg’, and as one of the ‘Sidhe’ her ammo was human emotion – something she called ‘Glamour’. She was harvesting a bunch of this ‘Glamour’ through making everyone terrified, assault-y, and raped. We suggested that positive emotions might be a safer source of glamour for her, as they would make us feel less inclined to intervene. Turns out she had pretty effectively subjugated the town (with the exception of the priest in the church) and didn’t want that to change, so she agreed to change her tactics. Once we had successfully surrounded ourselves with an orgy we went to church, as is group policy. The priest welcomed us in because we got through whatever the heck he set up to keep out the ‘unclean’… You know what, he’s pretty dumb so he’d probably misspell that as ‘uncleen’. Anyway, since we weren’t of the ‘uncleen’ he was happy to talk to us. I looked in his brain, and it turns out that he though Apocalypse was God… So I suggested he pray with me.
After we dragged his body out into the town-square the Sidhe lady was happy to restrict herself to extracting positive emotion glamour. Especially since we gave her some tips on how to survive in the future, since all of her people had died off by our time. I also gave her my digits and address so she could look me up if she made it through the ages. She agreed to give us a bunch of intel on Apocalypse since we gave her all this info, so score! The Vishanti inadvertantly helped us this time! And apparently getting rid of the priest and helping the Sidhe was what they wanted us to do… I guess… Anyway, we also took on a side-quest from Trevor while we were back there. He pointed out that we were impossibly far back in time, and given an unprecidented chance to improve the genetic probabilities of mutant survival. As such, we used all of our individual gifts to impregnate the town. As this was a hugely significant historical event, we took appropriate steps to document it. Once we got back home we had some stone tablets waiting for us, and some fully paid airfare from our Sidhe friend! Anyway, I’d better let you finish ringing up my order or I’m going to miss my flight!"
- Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to Dr. Darius Rubens, Barnes & Noble employee of the month