Okay, So Sco….Havok drove us… flew us?… to Los Angeles. Tiny was all like “We can’t land near the town because it’s full of people and stuff” but his voice was even more high pitched and whiney than you are picturing it right now. I know. Hard to believe, but I know a dude whose eyes are portals to a dimension made of red concussive force… So there you have it. Anyway, Tiny said “Oh yeah, well I challenges ya to a race! My foots against your brains!” So I head off to the highway to flag down a ‘concerned citizen’ to take me into town. Once their, I find some people who won’t be significantly inconvenienced by the loss of their Hummer H2’s for an afternoon, and return to the group with transportation. Once I got back, Tiny was naturally indignant to my informing him that this is proof that cars are faster than walking. As usual, he was wrong, though.
Anyway, we drove around, because we had to make that “not evil spell” pattern with the box of “not orphans”, and wouldn’t you know it but someone was doing something evil to mutants on one of the points of our “not evil pentastargramigil”. Total coincidence, and in no way related to the flow of sacrificial innocence towards He Who Shall Take Delivery. So anyway, we say “Huh… Intelligence under a big mountain is usually a bad thing. That is where volcanos live.” and we poke around. Turns out there is a big ole’ paramilitary installation that has “no relation” to what we are there for. Despite the lack of direct incentive for us to do anything, we heroically determined that they were impinging on sentient rights… I think that is the term… Remind me to google this later so we look good and not like we just kinda were curious and happened to be right… And investigated! After a “heartfelt and impassioned speech” to the outer base guards, they saw the error of their ways and decided that they needed to help us liberate the aggrieved mutants within. This went pretty well until one of the guards we hadn’t spoken to abruptly screamed “I HATE LIBERTY WUBAWUBAWUBA HITLER IS MY DADDY LUBBALUBBALUBBA I AM WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING SCHROWSCHROWSCHROW!” and the facility went into lockdown. Because Nazis. Since the facility was in lockdown the team got split into two halves (as measured by effectiveness): I was upstairs, where I was left to rationalize with and diffuze an active security alert response by a trained paramilitary force, and the rest of the team worked together and tried really hard to take down one scientist without hurting her too much. Thankfully my team held back until I could neutralize the two dozen paramilitary operatives who were poised to storm the base, or I don’t know what the cost of our intervention would have been in human terms… But as it was I orchestrated the situation so that there were no casualties, and all the captured mutants were free. I just want to take this opportunity to say that not all liberated hostages are grateful… Some of them are petty, violent thugs who don’t know how to repay people who were instrumental in their freedom… ummm… because Bliss was totally instrumental. Couldn’t have done it without her. How? Umm… Remember that part… where… I… umm… got rid of those paramilitary dudes? She totally helped with that! So… Anyone mad at her about being imprisoned needs to understand that she helped save them! Yeah! That is totally not aimed at that one chick/dude we saved, but is an objective fact of truth!
Anyway, we rescued some chick/dude from that facility. She/he seems to collapse different people from different realities into one essence and “eats” them. Not to worry, though, because they are pretty sure all the people they have eaten are actually supervillain versions of themselves from other dimensions! Because that makes it all cool… Somehow… I guess… I’m genuinely conflicted here… If some dude made his way to the school naked and hungry and was like “MY LAST MEAL WAS HITLER!!!!” would I turn him away? How did these kinds of moral questions become my normal life? HOW IS NOBODY ELSE CONSIDERING THESE THINGS?!? Am I just subconsciously networking all of the brains in a several mile radius in order to create a facsimile of intelligence and sentience, and humans are all mere machines? I didn’t want to think so at first, but the evidence seems to be stacking up… And if I am one of the only programmers, is it really ethical for me to watch programs with obvious flaws go haywire? I know Tiny’s answer… “shrug”. And that is more comforting than Agent’s answer of “I am not an agent of fate! I don’t know what is supposed to happen! Stop telling people that!” So I guess it is up to me and Tiny to shape fate… Yet again… The only difference is that we are actually semi-licensed to do so (assuming the Vishanti have some form of authority over fate).
Anyway, we dropped the box of with some giant (and I cannot stress the size by which I mean GIANT enough) asshole who can’t get enough of himself (yeah, I know the irony of me judging this guy as such is huge… considering I hang out with Tiny) and went back home. Once we got home we went to check out if there was an evil lab where we saw an evil lab in the other universe. Turns out, once an evil lab… frequently an evil lab… but not quite always. But in this case, yes. An evil lab. So we were all poised to storm the place and liberate the mutants within, but it turns out we were there just in time to observe the contract negotiations of a psychopath with an amoral institution. Turns out the psychopath has the upper hand, and he let all the mutants go. We paid him $200 for the doctor in charge of the facility so that he could buy a puppy named Al… or something… I don’t care. Anyway, turns out one of our mutants started life as a dog, and several of our other mutants didn’t understand that just because they had only been sentient for a year or so didn’t mean they hadn’t had time to read all of the classics that I would be searching their minds for references to if they made them! I mean, come on! Talk to them on slightly more than puppy level!"
Excerpt from Diary as dictated by Adam Douglas to “Frank Silvertongue of 4137 Punta Alta Dr. Los Angeles California, Earth Somthing Something Something.”